Brüder
by Lassoing the Moon
Summary: We were meant to grow up together, help one another against the world and all we are left with is cold stares and distant hugs. Was that all that was left of our relationship? Was this truly how Fili and I are meant to be? This can't be it, I refuse to believe that this is all we will ever be. AU
1. Chapter 1

Brüder

We were meant to grow up together, help one another against the world and all we are left with is cold stares and distant hugs. Was that all that was left of our relationship? Was this truly how Fili and I are meant to be? This can't be it, I refuse to believe this is what we are. We have to be something else, we just have to.

Special thanks to Mama for editing this for me. I love chu.

I own nothing.

**[Chapter one; Brotherly Bonds]**

* * *

I know of his presence before he even walks into the room. Fili's always had this clumsiness to the way he walks, like his feet want to go in opposite directions. I hear him kick off his boots, the floor squeaking under his weight, and he makes his way to the bed. He stands there for a moment - doing what, I do not know - before pulling the blankets back enough to allow him to crawl in. It's only cold for a moment but Fili is quick to fill that freeze. I wonder for a moment if he's going straight to sleep but then I feel his fingers running through my hair and his voice trembling as he whispers my name.

I have never known my brother to cry or whimper out, not even when he was being scolded by Uncle Thorin, so his trembles come as a surprise. At the moment he has his head turned into my shoulder and he's crying gently. I don't know what to do. How do I comfort him?

"Fili?" I ask, turning my head slightly to look at him.

His body jolts as if he had not known I was awake and maybe he didn't. Fili's quick to wipe his eyes and a smile is in place of where the frown use to be. I stare at him, unsure of what to do. He stares back, his blue eyes intense and bloodshot. "Kee," he whispers, brushing a strand of hair from my face. "What are you doing up? You're supposed to be a sleep." He finishes with a small sigh.

I think about lying to him, however I know he will just figure it out. "The storm," is all I say. I'm more worried about him at the moment than the storm brewing outside.

Fili laughs deeply in his chest. It's a sweet, addicting sound and I found myself smiling. "The Stone Giants still frighten you, brother?" He asks. I can feel my cheeks flushing with colour and I move my hand out to gently hit Fili on the shoulder. It is silly, really. Still being afraid of an old legend.

"Uncle says the Giants are angry tonight." I answer, curling my body tighter closer to him. Fili only shakes his head and tucks himself closer to me. Soon we are a bundle of twisted limbs and warmth. I could never imagine being away from Fili. I need this, I need him.

After a long moment, Fili speaks again. "There is no need to worry about the Stone Giants, Kee, I will protect you. They cannot hurt you." His voice is strong, the tremble long gone. There is a different meaning behind these words, I know there is.

Fili has always been protective but there is a much deeper and darker meaning to these words. He is protecting me from an enemy I do not know of and he will not share this information with me. All I can say is, "I know you will, Fee, and I know you will."

The storm looms over head, every once in awhile the sky cracks with thunder and lightning brightens the room. I clench my eyes shut and embrace my older brother closer. Fili holds me, never once complaining. "Fee?" I ask, hiding under the protection of his arms.

"Yeah, Kili?"

"Why were you crying?"

I think for a second that Fili has fallen asleep but he answers with a clear voice but moments after. "It's not important, Kili." I'm slightly offended that he doesn't trust me enough to tell me what's wrong.

I open my eyes and glare at him through the dark room. "Quit playing, Fee, it's only the two of us."

He sighs once again and pushes himself up against the back wall. He crossed his arms and looks away from me, his hands tremble in their bindings. "Uncle Thorin came by earlier," he explains. "I was so excited to see him, Kili, but the way he looked at me. I have never seen anyone look so...disappointed in me before."

I frown and squeeze Fili's hand. That doesn't sound like Uncle. Why would he ever be disappointed in Fili?

"He feels that I am not following the correct path I need to to make me the great king I am destined to be." Fili swallows and slowly looks down at me, his eyes are dark now and distant. "He has requested that I come along with him in his travels and learn everything I need to."

I don't know what to think. Fili would leave the blue mountain? He would leave Ma and me behind just so he could practice being king? No. That does not seem like the brother I know. He would never leave his family. "You cannot go," I mutter in fury. "You cannot, Fili!"

"You think I want to go Kili!?" Fili snaps in return.

I stare at him, beginning to pull away when he pulls me into his arms and holds me. "I don't want to, Kili, but I cannot refuse Uncle. He is still our King." He rest his chin on my head and strokes my hands. "I will come and visit as often as I can. It's only for a little while."

No. Fili can't leave. He's suppose to teach me how to hold a sword and how to write. I have my shooting lessons in a few months. He promised to be there. Fili cannot leave.

"You can't..." I whisper against his chest, tears slowly falling.

"I wish I could stay, Kee," Fili replies, holding me tighter. "You have no idea how badly I want to stay."

"Then stay."

We both know that Fili will never go against our uncle's word. He respects him to much to do that. Despite what he might think, I know Fili wants to be like Thorin.

"When do you leave?" I ask.

He does not answer me right away, instead he works on getting us tucked back under the blankets where the warmth is welcomed. It isn't before we are on the brink of sleep that he answers.

"In the morning."

In the morning? My brother is leaving the morning? I give him no response and only bury myself deeper into the blankets. I want to disappear, I want Fili to stay here with me, and I want Uncle Thorin to see how badly this changes things. However, my uncle is stubborn and I know he doesn't do this to hurt us but a small part of me hates him for it.

"I love you, Kili."

Fili and I lay in bed for what might be our last night together and all I can think is the heartache that is sure to follow.


	2. Chapter 2

**[Chapter 2 Older But Not Yet Wiser.]**

* * *

15 years later.

"Kili, lad." Dis shakes my shoulder, her voice breaking through my subconscious, breaking up the dream I can only hope was real. "It's time to get up, I need you to go to the market."

I do not want to move out from under the blankets. It snowed again last night and the temperature has dropped another twenty degrees. It's freezing out and I do not have the energy to move. Ma shakes me again before leaving the room, the door shutting quietly behind her. I sigh quietly, forcing myself to sit up, the blankets fall from my body onto the floor. I dress quickly, pulling my boots on at the door before joining my mother in the kitchen.

Dis hasn't been the same since Fili left - she seems lost. Ma is always looking for someone who isn't coming back. I try to tell her this but she doesn't want to hear it. She still thinks uncle Thorin is going to bring him back and everything will be forgiven. I know better. Thorin never truly had hold on my brother. If he wanted to come home he would already be here.

We sit together at the table eating breakfast but neither of us know what to say. I do not have the words to offer comfort to her and she has no idea what to say in return. This is how most of our meals are carried out. Ma spoons her porridge around the bowl, sighing quietly to herself. "What are your plans for today?" she asks.

She already knows what I plan to do today. It's the same as everyday. I shrug and look down at the uneaten food in my bowl. "Might go and shoot a little after I go to the market. Dwalin is supposed to show me a new move but I don't think he has time for it," I answer, pushing the bowl away. I help Ma put the dishes away before slinging on a fur coat. "I'll be back for dinner," I call out before leaving.

Our village isn't small but it isn't large enough to hold the things people around here were used to. All we have room for are the basics: food, medicine, water, clothing, and Bombur's toy shop. Ever since I was a kid I have loved to go into his shop and look around at the different crafted toys. Bombur's talent certainly hasn't lost its touch. I smile a little as I trace a the smooth surface of a warrior doll. I can remember a time when Fili and I would sit for hours acting out different wars in our bedroom. Now it seems like a life time away.

"Like what you see, lad?" Bombur smiles at me, placing a hand on my shoulder. "That's a new model. Just finished it this morning." He leaves me to tend to another family that has made their way into the shop.

"You have a great talent, Bombur," I say, smiling a little brighter. I eye the toy for a few minutes before walking away. "But I came in here to ask you something. Ma sent something with Bofur the other day and I can't seem to find him. Where's your brother gone off to?" I ask.

Bombur looks down at me, his large brown eyes shielded. "I can't tell you that lad - I don't even know where he is. I haven't spoken to him a few days." He hands me the toy the shelve and nods. "Take it, Kili. Heaven knows you could use a day for just yourself."

"Bombur I can't take this-"

He raises his hand and shakes his head, "Don't argue with me boy, just take it." He then smiles and shoos me out of the shop. I'm hit by the cold front as soon as I step outside. I duck my head deeper into my jacket and walk towards where Bofur said he was supposed to meet me. I have no idea what it was my mother has asked of him but knowing the two of them it can't be anything good.

Soon enough Bofur comes walking along. He looks freezing, all he has on is his signature hat and a thin fur coat. I begin to wonder if he was cold-blooded and that this weather couldn't affect him. "Kili my lad!" He smiles widely and takes me in his arms for a hug. I'm stunned for a moment but return the hug nonetheless. "How are you?" he asks.

"Alright. What have you got for Ma?" I tilt my head and watch as he pulls out a large envelope. He places it in my hands and ruffles my hair. "Make sure you get that to your mother right away, stop by Bombur's shop later. I have something to show you." I can only imagine what he has in store for me.

"Wait Bofur!" I call to him. He stops mid-step and turns to look at me. A smile is resting on his lips, his eyes are dancing with knowledge. "What's in the envelope?"

Bofur takes a pipe from under his jacket, lights it and places in the corner of his mouth, "Now, laddie, if it was meant for you, you would know." He waves and turns away, walking down the path towards Bombur's shop. I stand there, shocked. Bofur hasn't ever done that before. He has always told me everything I want to know.

He has been giving these envelopes to Ma for as long as I can remember. I never had the heart to look, afraid of the anger my mother would release on me if she ever found out. I flipped the envelope a couple of times and decided that I still didn't want to risk it. I slip it into my jacket and continue deeper into the market.

All I have left to pick up is a few medicines from Oin. As I walk over to his booth snow starts to fall again, tracing my already soaked body with water. Oin is seated behind a large wooden stand with Gloin beside him, the two chatting away about god knows what. My heart aches a little at the scene. It's at times like this I truly miss Fili.

"Oi, Kili!" Gloin smiles and picks me up in a rather tight hug. I smile the best I can and return the gesture. He sets me back down and turns back to his conversation with his brother. I wonder for a moment what the two are talking about but it's a mixture of words and signs and extremely difficult to follow.

Oin finally turned to me. "What do you want, laddie?" he asks.

I step closer to the pair, hiding from the blazing storm outside. "Ma sent me for a few things to stock up for the winter," I explain. "We are running out of the basics." Gloin translates quickly and Oin disappears behind the desk to collect the needs. Groups of dwraves were now gathering around the stands, whispering to themselves.

"Did you hear?"

"Apparently the young prince has finally returned."

"I wonder how Kili will feel."

The young prince? They can't be talking about Fili. Thorin wouldn't have brought him back. Would he?

I wait impatiently for Oin to return and when he does I thank him and lay a few coins on the table. "See ya' lads later." I call out as I head down towards the shooting rang.

I haven't been here in ages. Things seem different now. This use to be the one place I could come and be myself but everything seems to be crushing me at the moment. If my brother has returned what do I do? I can't imagine just stepping back into the house and falling into his arms like the good old days. Things have changed. I have changed.

I drop the things from the market at the gate and push the large wooden door open. It squeaks and welcomes me with the beautiful backdrop of trees and wildlife. I smile a little and listen to the crunch of the snow as I walk towards where I had left the bow a few nights ago.

Targets line the training rang of all different sizes and colours. The bow and arrow had always been my choice of weapon but lately it seemed like nothing worked for me. I can't focus enough to hit anything. I thought too much of how Fili wanted teach me to shoot and how he was just as excited for me to learn as I was. I clench my fists and narrow my eyes, anger coursing through my body. Fili should have been standing here with me, correcting me on the proper stance and teasing me to no end. It isn't fair.

I pick up his bow from where I had dropped it earlier and clench the metal frame in my hand tightly. I was surprised it had snapped from the force I used to fling it across the field only days before. I sighed quietly, hoping to calm the rage in the pit of my stomach, and pull an arrow from the hostel on my back. I place it back in the string and pull it back. I wait for a moment, calming my heartbeat, before releasing it.

The arrow soars through the air and lands below the center, missing the mark by just a hair. I try it again and again only to come out with the same result.

I curse a colorful ray of words and throw the bow across the field, where it bounces off a tree and lands on the ground below. This was ridiculous. I have spent my entire life training, battling and breathing what it means to be a warrior, now I can't even shoot an arrow correctly because of a the damn rumors floating around. Fili was the cause of every hurt and misfire that comes my way. I slump back against a tree and glare at the arrows fitted into the targets, only half listening to the repetitive calls of the birds surrounding the shooting range.

The sun has completely set by the time I collect my bearings. I cannot find it within myself to get up and return home. I know by now dinner has long passed and that Ma will be worried but I can't move. I want to sink down into the snow and scream, beg the darkness to take me. A part of me hates my uncle for taking Fili from me. We were supposed to grow up together - look after one another - now all I can remember about him is the way his eyes light up any time we were together. I can't remember his voice or how tall he was. I can't even remember if he actually liked to sleep with me or if it was something Ma had suggested he do to comfort me. Regardless of my conflicting feelings for Thorin I wish he would just visit. I can't remember the last time they had come home.

I allow myself a few moments to remember the good times with my brother before snapping back into reality. It's harder than I thought to come back and when I do a hole is left where Fili once lived.

Sighing softly, I pull myself out of the snow, collect the now broken bow and sling it over my shoulder before making the the trek home. I almost forget to grab Ma's groceries but remember at the last second, making me even more late. Most of the dwarves have already turned in for the night and the remaining are making their way to the village pub. I stop for a minute, debating if I should go in and get a pint. In the end I think better of it and continue on my way. If Ma is already upset, I don't need to make things worse by smelling like booze.

The walk home doesn't take to long but by the time I arrive on our front step my feet are frozen. I am about to open the door when I'm stopped by a deep voice on the other side.

"Is he generally late for dinner?"

Uncle Thorin? My heart drops to the pit of my stomach and my eyes widen in shock. It can't be - my uncle hasn't been home in fifteen years. He can't really be here. My hand trembles as I grab a hold of the door knob.

"Not usually," Ma answers, her spirit has returned. "He said he was going to go shoot."

Thorin speaks again, his voice strained. "Maybe you should remind him more often of the rules of the house, sister." Despite being on the other side of the wood, I flinch. He sounds so angry and disappointed.

"I have never had the need to remind him, brother."

Not wanting to hear what kind of response my uncle might have, I open the door and step inside. Almost instantly I am hit by the warmth of the house and the chill that's been haunting my body the entire day seems to slip away. Ma is standing in front of me only seconds after I enter, her blue eyes worried and filled with relief. "Kili, you're freezing!" she gasps, helping me out of the soaked furs. "What happened, lad?"

"I fell down a hill while walking." Not a complete lie, there is a hill in the shooting range. "There was more snow then I thought."

She shakes her head and ushers me towards my bedroom, her hands trembling. Why does she seem so scared? Ma has never been afraid of Thorin; she has always talked about him with a smile and a proud gleam in her eye. Does she know something I do not? "Be quick and get changed, dinner is ready." She shuts the door behind her and I'm left with the darkness of my room. Ma must have lit the fire earlier because there is warmth surrounding me the moment I slip out of my water logged clothing into a fresh pair.

I clip my hair back to keep it out of my face and walk out to meet my mother and uncle in the kitchen. I can hear them talking but not what they're discussing. The moment I'm in earshot they both stop talking. I now know why. I freeze and stare over at the other person seated at the table. I have the feeling I'm supposed to know them, like they were someone important in my life but for the life of me I can't figure it out. I'm slow to join my family at the table. Ma went all out for dinner - lamb and pork with a rang of vegetables and a sweet gravy. The only time our meal was this grand was the day Fili left.

Since then our dinners were small and quickly put together. Neither of us felt like being somewhere that reminded us of him for too long.

I stare at the table, slowly putting the pieces together. If uncle is here then that means...without meaning to, I look up the same moment the stranger does and for a split second my heart stops beating. Seated only a few feet in front of me is my brother.

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**missrainy; Thank you so much for your review! It means a lot. Don't worry you haven't insulted me, in fact your criticism has helped a great deal! Haha, I actually don't know that much German, I have a friend I chat with regularly who speaks German and she's teaching me a few words. I want to be able to talk to her. I hope this chapter is what you were looking forward to! Thank you again.**

**silvermoongirl10: Thank you so much for your review! I hope this chapter is what you were expecting.**


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Just a quick note! I would like to thank all the people for reviewed the last chapter! It made writing this chapter a whole lot easier. Thank you so much. I have a general plan about where this story is going to go but feel free to drop suggestion on where you want this to go.

Special thanks to Mama for edited.

Oh one more thing, rating has gone up a bit in this just because of Kili's mouth. Naughty boy. Tsk Tsk.

Enjoy.

**[Chapter Three; I know You but Do You Know Me?]**

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He looks like Fili, however he doesn't seem like my brother. He is almost as tall as Thorin, he now has a mustache which is braided neatly and clipped at the ends, his hair is long and it to is tied back into traditional braids. I recognize him but I do not know him. He's a stranger. The only thing vaguely familiar is his crystal blue eyes.

I choke on the piece of lamb I had been eating and drop my eyes down onto the table, praying he can't see the blush tracing my cheeks. This was not the way I wanted to meet my brother after so many years apart. I feel trapped and attacked.

I begin to wonder if he'll ever address me when Ma asks him how his time with Thorin was. Suddenly anger builds up in my stomach and my fists hit the table. Ma is the only one to notice, "It was a great learning experience, uncle taught me a lot. " Fili answers, his voice is deeper, making him sound more grown up. I miss the old Fili. The one who's voice still cracked, the one who teased me and who was always there to comfort me.

I do not know this man. This is not the brother that left home.

"Fili has matured a great deal along our journey. "Uncle Thorin throws in. I swear he does it just to piss me off even further. "I am very proud of him. "

I can't help the growl that escapes my lips. Who the hell does Thorin think he is? He ripped everything Fili was about apart and rebuilt him. I hate feeling this but it is much better then feeling the heartbreak. I will not cry I front of them. I refuse to.

"Did you have something to say, boy?" Thorin asks.

I have nothing nice to say to my uncle and I am afraid of what will happen once I open my mouth. Instead I shake my head and keep my eyes on the table. "Since you feel the need to ignore me Kili, let's discuss you being late for dinner. "He takes a sip of the ale in front of him, "Look at me when I speak to you. "

I raise my eyes and stare back at him. When I was younger my uncle never use to frighten me, I never truly believed the stories people said, now however I can see that every one of them was true. He was more a king than a guardian.

Thorin folds his arms across the table, looking back at me. "Why were you late for dinner?" His eyebrows raise, suggesting I better treed carefully.

Ma cuts in before I have a chance to answer, "l already told you, brother, he was busy at the market. " She narrows her own eyes at him and I wonder if she knows her story has changed.

Thorin turns his gaze back to my mother, "The lad is twenty years old I'm sure he can speak for himself. "

I don't even know what to say, Ma was always alright with me returning late as long as I came back with the supplies she needed. I clear my throat and sigh quietly, "I went to practice after I picked things from the market. "

Thorin seems unsatisfied by my answers, instead we move on to other topics. "How are your studies going?" For a moment I think he isn't speaking to me but everyone else in the room is silent.

I shake my head in annoyance, just wanting to be done with this entire affair. "They're alright. Balin is teaching me a lot. " I answer clearly, picking at the food on my plate.

"How often do you go?"

The question catches me off guard and throws me. I take longer than he would like to answer and it shows in his tone. "Kili, I asked you a question. " he practically growls.

"Once or twice a week. "I snap back, glaring at him.

We stare at each other, neither willing to give in. I lean back in my chair, getting ready to leave, "May I be excused?" I ask. To whom I don't know. I just want to out of that room.

"No. "Thorin says.

"Of course, sweetheart. "Ma places a hand in my shoulder as I turn to leave.

Thorin stands just as I do, I can feel him watching me. "Maybe I brought the wrong brother along with me. " He snorts, " You're a disgrace. "

The reasonable part of me knows I should just ignore my uncle and walk to my room, the years of anger and resistant strike back before I can even think about it. "I would rather spend the rest of my life freezing to death and barely scrapping by with Ma then spend even a second with you. " I hiss, glaring at the older dwarf.

Thorin is away from the table and making his way towards me before Ma can stops him. "Thorin you have done enough, leave the lad alone. " She mutters, putting a hand up to his chest to stop him.

I take this as my cue to leave. I'm barley in my room before the tears start to fall. I slam myself up against the wall, bury my head in my knees and cry.

I don't know how long it takes for the tears to stop, by the time they do my head is pounding and I feel sick. I really should just crawl back into bed and forget this day even happened. Before I can even move from my huddled corner, Fili is standing in front of me.

I want to fling myself into his arms and beg him not to leave me again but I stay put. I glare at his feet, refusing to meet his eyes.

"Kee. "He whispers, reaching his hand out to touch my face. I grab his hand before he can and shake my head. He can't call me that, not after everything he's done. He doesn't get to call me that.

"Don't!" I want to growl at him, to push his away and beat on him. "Don't call me that.." My voice breaks and I see Fili flinch.

He lowers himself closer to me, gently he takes my chin with his finger and forces me to look at him, "It's alright, brother, I'm here now. " he gives me a smile and I feel the anger rising again.

"You have stubble. "Fili laughs softly, his thumb running across my cheek. "You've grown up Kili.."his voice is low and for a moment I feel bad for him. I wasn't the only one who lost a brother.

I flinch away from his touch and shake my head. I can't let him back in, there is no telling when he'll leave again. I can't have my heart broken again. "Kili please, "My brothers begging just makes my stomach turn. I don't feel sympathetic towards him. I can't.

"You had a choice. "I mumbled, my voice shaking. "You could have stayed.." I wanted him to stay, needed him to. Instead he left with Thorin and we haven't heard from him since. Fili could have been dead and we wouldn't have even known.

Fili stares at me, his eyes darkening a little. "You know I didn't have a choice, Kee!" He cups both my cheeks this time, begging me to listen.

"Don't call me that!" I snap, pushing him away roughly. "You do not get to call me that!"

"And why not?" Fili asks innocently.

My head snaps up and I glare at him, "The brother I knew when I was a lad gave me that name. You may have his face but you are not my brother."

Fili looks so torn up. Slowly his hands drop from my cheeks down to his sides. He hangs his head and sighs deeply. "Kili, I never wanted to leave you, I begged uncle to let me stay but he wouldn't allow it. I tried for years afterwards to come and visit but we got caught up in everything." He whispers back, I notice the way his hands shake and I almost clasps his with my own. "I wish I could take it back, Kili, really I do. "

I hate him for making me feel this way. This was the last thing I wanted to happen between us. Once before his touch would warm my body now all I can do is recoil away from him.

"I don't think you want to take it back, not really. " I answers, curling tighter into myself. We aren't the same anymore , Fili has no idea who I am and I have no idea who he is. If this relationship is to work we will have to work at it. Extensively.

My brother stares at me, his eyes studying me closely. I don't know what he's thinking or what's going through his head. Apart of me wishes he'll pull me into his arms and hold me until I see logic but I know how that ends.

I will just push him away and drive a deeper wedge between us.

Fili sighs and in the corner of my eye I see him shake his head. "Why are you being so childish?" He asks, irritated.

"I am not being childish!"

He raises an eyebrow and looks down at me, "You disrespected uncle, Kili, he was only asking you a question and practically bite his-"

"Get out. " I interrupt him, "Get the fuck out, Fili. Now. "

My brothers stares at me for a moment, shakes his head and leaves me alone. I just sit there for a moment, unsure of what to so with myself. All I know is that I need to get out of the house and away from these people.

The feeling is so deep that I can feel it suffocating me. I need to leave. Now. I'm slow to find my footing and when I do I have to grab hold of the bed so I don't fall. I slip on a warmer pair of clothing and fling my door open.

Thorin and Fili are seated at the table with Ma. I pay them no mind as I grab my jacket from the hook. Suddenly I remember the envelope, apart of me wants to keep it out of spite but this wasn't Ma's fault. She had nothing to with it. I gently take the package from the inside of my coat and place it front of her, "Bofur gave it to me at the market. "She already knows this but I felt the need inform Thorin.

My uncle stares at me as I get ready, his dark brown eyes intense. "Where are you going?" He asks.

At first I think of ignoring him, instead I tell him, quite rudely, that I'm going out and not to wait up. He doesn't seem to like it. For a moment it appears as if he were going to follow me, however all he does is shake his head and turn his eyes away. I don't even dare to look at Fili. I can't see the disappointment in his eyes. I just can't.

I slam the door as I leave, once again treading trough the snow. To where I have no idea. All I know is that I'm away from my uncle and brother and for the first time in a long time it feels like the world is crashing down around me.

If this is what I wanted why the hell do I feel so bad? Maybe it was because despite what my uncle thought of me, I missed him and Fili and as much as I'd rather not admit it, I need them in my life.

Bugger. I just can't be satisfied can I?


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four; Broken Bonds

a\n: thank you so much for the reviews! It means the world and I am truly sorry for the unbeta version of the last chapter and this one. i will make sure to post them once they are edited.

I own nothing.

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Oddly enough I found myself in the one place I don't want to be; at the tavern. I hardly ever go in on my own, simply because I don't know most of the dwarves circulating the bar's floors. I'm not much of a drinker, don't get me wrong I like to drink as much as any other dwarf but I just don't see the appeal of it.

Maybe had things been different I would be partying with the others, laughing with my brother and being praised by uncle. Instead I am here alone, having no idea what the hell I am doing.

"One ale please. " The dwarf woman behind the counter eyes me for a second, probably debating if she should check for I.D. Instead she simply hands me the cup and walks away. I wonder for a brief second if I had come with Fili would she had look at me like that? Or maybe it's because I actually don't look a dwarf - I'm to damn tall and skinny, and my lack of beard hardly goes unnoticed.

I have never really fit in here but I can remember a time when it didn't matter. When all I cared about was what my elder brother thought of me. Now it seems I've even messed that up. I'm a disappointment to my brother and uncle.

I want to run until I can't feel my legs at more or until an Orc runs me down. What else do I have to live for? My best friend doesn't know me and my uncle would rather pretend I don't exist. Ma won't be around forever to comfort me. I'm going to be alone and that terrified me.

I sigh quietly and take a sip of the alcohol in front of me. Dwarves party around me, singing different tones and folk tales. "Kili?" I nearly flinch at my own name. I pray it isn't Fili or Thorin, I really don't have the energy to deal with them.

Instead Dwalin sits down beside me, a cup of ale in his hands. Dwalin has always frightened me, he's the tallest dwarf I have ever met, he's fiercely loyal and isn't afraid to chop someone's head to remind them. Not to mention the tattoos and body armor through out his body make him look badass. As much as I fear him, I cant help but look up to him.

I tip my head in a greeting and take another sip. "What are you doing here and this late, Laddie?" He asks, giving me a pointed look. I know he doesn't approve but right now I any find it inside me to care.

"The same thing you are. " I answer coolly, order another round.

He snorts in the back of his throat and slaps the middle of my back, "You and I are here in completely different reasons, lad, shouldn't you be finishing dinner with your mom?"

I glare down at the counter and shrug. I don't want to talk about Ma or the dinner that will forever haunt me. "She was busy. " I answer instead, avoiding the accusation in his eyes.

"Aye. "Dwalin turns away from me, eyeing the bar tender, "This wouldn't have anything to do with your uncle and brother being home then?" I scowl as a smile spreads across his lips.

I roll my eyes and turn to leave. I don't want to talk about this. I know I screwed up, I don't need Dwalin to remind me. Suddenly I'm pulled to a stop and am forced to sit back. Sometimes I forget who I'm dealing with. "I am not judging you, but if you dare walk away from me when I'm talking to you again, I'll cuff you upside the head, understand?" I nod and bow my head in shame.

Dwalin orders another round for the both of us. I know I shouldn't drink anymore, my head is already starting to feel fuzzy but I can find no reason not to. "I know it probably wasn't easy seeing them after so long Kili, god only knows how Thorin treated you. " he sighs and all I can think of is the way my uncle glared at me and called me a disgrace.

"He wasn't the bad. "I lie, rolling my shoulders in a shrug. There is no point is in Dwalin thinking any differently about Thorin. I know the two of them have been friends for a long time.

He snorts and shakes his head, "You are a horrible liar laddie, I can see it in your eyes. He hurt your pride. " Dwalin pats my arm, "Don't take it to personally, Thorin wasn't always like that. Years of grief have turned him into a hard ass. "

"Aye, he's quite the asshole. " The words slip from my tongue without my knowledge, however I don't feel bad about them. I can't. Dwalin only stares at me, his dark eyes portraying nothing.

I finish off the last cup of ale and push it away. I'm probably near drunk now, my head spins and my hands are shaking. I have never been drunk before, it's an odd feeling and I know I will most likely end up regretting it later but for now it's alright.

I don't think of my uncle or my brother and that's all that matters.

I'm surprised Dwalin hasn't said anything to me about my under age drinking. Traditionally Dwarves aren't allowed to start drinking until they reach sixty, I'm fourty years early. Maybe he's pitting me like everyone else and that just makes me want to drink more.

"Thorin does care for you, Kili, "Dwalin nudges me in the rib as he stands, "He just has an odd way of showing it. "I watch as his large form disappears deeper into the party before turning back to the bar.

So treating like shit is his way of showing he cares about me? No wonder Ma hardly talks about him. I push the empty cup ale away and lower my head in my arms, I can feel the tears building in my eyes again but I fight them. I am tried of crying. I haven't cried since the day Fili left, I knew Ma would need me to be strong so I pushed my childhood aside and grew up.

No it wasn't fair but I didn't care. My mother needed me and I was willing to do anything for her. I still am but I am beginning to question how she had allowed Thorin to just take Fili. My brother is only five years older than me but you could have sworn he is centuries older. He doesn't seem to remember how to have a good time, not once did I seem him crack a true and honest smile at dinner.

Has he lost it or was I to busy getting lost in my self to even notice if he had?

I clench my hair through my fingers and groan. I really should go home, Ma will be worried but I don't want to leave. Going home seems pointless and I know there will be more hurtful words and glares. But where else do I have go?

I put a few pieces of coin on the table and struggle to find my way to the door. I just want to run away. Would anyone really notice? Ma probably but it's hard to say what her reaction would be. I know she will be sick with worry, but the anger and the disappointment is something I know I can't stand to see on her face.

It's hard to say what Fili and Thorin will think, I don't know them. I haven't gotten the chance to get to know them. I thought once I knew my brother, he was protective and strong, but he was always gentle with me and always so patient. I know I ticked him off more than once growing up but he never pushed me away, never spoke ill of me.

Thorin was the father I had never known, I use to look up to him. He was brave, loyal, and strong. He always use to protect Ma, Fili and me without a second thought. He was king and uncle all rolled into one. Now all I can do is cower at their feet.

It's sad and my heart breaks. I miss my family. I miss my uncle and brother.

I must have found my way out into the snow because before I know it I'm standing in the shooting rang. The snow has finally stopped and the forest is quiet, with the exception of the wind whistling. To be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing here. I know I can't shoot. I can't even see straight but something still pulled me here.

I sit down against one of the targets and close my eyes, hoping maybe the snow would clear my head just a little. Instead I find myself remember something, apart of my childhood I have long since forgotten.

_"What is it Fee? " I ask, clenching his hand through the knitted gloves. Fili smiles down at me, snow leaving patterns in his yellow hair. He seems happy for the first time since Da left. _

_"It's snow, Kee. " He explains, leaning down to take a bundle in his hand. I lean up into my tip toes to look. On Fili's gloved hand it looks plain and boring but when I look away from him to the ground, it sparkles with beauty. I have never seen anything like it and it memorizes me. _

_I release Fili's hand and run off into the white blanket. The snow is thick and strong, almost trapping me with its bindings. I topple over and lay down, looking up at the night sky. Stars are dancing across the sky, lightening the path home if we desire. Soon Fili joins me, his hand clasps into mine once again. "Why does it snow, Fee?" I ask, kicking my legs about. _

_He doesn't answer straight away, instead his eyes follow the flakes falling down onto the frozen tundra. "Uncle told me it was because the earth needed time to heal and bring everything back to life for the spring. It's like getting a good night sleep. "He explains._

_If snow does that to the earth maybe it could help Da._

_"Will it help Da?" I ask, turning to look him. _

_Fili's face fills with sadness and he turns away from me for a moment, his hand leaving mine as he sits up out of the bank. He bows his head and sighs softly, I wonder what he's thinking about. I sit up after a few moments and crawl into his lap, pressing my wet gloves onto his face. This seems to jolt him back, his blue eyes are wide for moment before they fall on me. "Kee.." he whispers, a small smile breaks across his face. _

_He's starting to frighten me a little. _

_Fili presses me to his chest and just holds me, he never makes mention of Da or if the snow will help him, but the tears falling on my furs are enough for me not to ask__. _

I'm jolted back by a loud crack in the sky. It startles me for a moment and then I remember that I'm supposed to strong and not be afraid of storms anymore, although it doesn't stop me from nearly jumping out of my skin when the thunder cracks again. I bite down on my bottom lip to stop the whimper from escaping, even though I'm the only one out here.

I slowly pull myself to my feet and begin to walk back towards town. I stumble to a stop as I finally notice there is someone waiting at the gate, they have their arms crossed. I can't tell if it's Fili or Thorin. It's hard to tell them apart in the dark. I just stand there, unsure if I really want to met one of the elders completely drunk. I don't really know at this moment why it matters.

"Kili, "Fili, I realize by the tone of his voice, calls down to me. He's worried I can tell, my brother has always carried a light firm tone in his voice and whenever he's worried it deepens. I hang my head as I make my way to him, swallowing whatever pride I have left. "What are you doing out here?"

"Just sitting." I slur, shaking my head in hopes to clear it.

If he's unconvinced Fili doesn't show it, instead he wraps his arm around my should to support me and helps me through the snow. "It's not safe to be out here on your own Kili, especially during the night. "He's voice breaks with worry and my heart clenches in my chest. Why does he always have to be so nice? Why can't he ever voice his frustrations? With me especially.

I want him to be angry with me and throw a fit. I want to know that he was upset about what had happened back in my room but he makes no indication that he even cares about it.

And it only ticks me off more.

"I know. " I mutter, cursing the shakes that now cover my body. "I just needs to get out and clears my head. "

I know I sound ridiculous but at the moment I don't care. Fili's arms are inviting and comforting and all I want to do is close my eyes and get lost in my brother's embrace. Some how we make it home and my some miracle I haven't made an ass out of myself, no more than I already have.

I hear my uncle strong footsteps across the wooden and barrier and shrink into Fili's side. I know in the state I am in, I wont be able to hold my tongue against Thorin, I'm afraid of the words that will slip out of my mouth.

"Don't worry, Kili, I'll protect you. "I don't know whether Fili is referring to myself or from Thorin, nevertheless it brings a smile to my face.

Thorin greets us at the door,"Where'd you find him?" Oddly enough there isn't an venom in his tone, there's only an underlining tone of worry.

Fili stopped us mid step, causing a spill of dizziness to creep onto my body. I mutter for him to stay still and lean deeper into him, "He was in the shooting rang. " he answered. He stepped around Thorin, brining me with him. "Don't uncle, we've done enough don't you think?"

I couldn't see my uncle from where my head was tucked in Fili's shoulder but I know the disappointment huff of his breathe to know he isn't happy with me and at this moment I don't care.

Ma must have gone to bed, for she hasn't embraced me within her arms and cooed me out of the dream like state I'm in. I'm glad she isn't here to see me like this, Ma doesn't deserve to see me drunk and barely able to comprehend anything.

Before we slip into the room, Thorin grumbles out, "Make sure he gets some sleep, we will talk in the morning. " then the door is shut and Fili and I are left alone once again.

Almost immediately I sober up, staring up at my dazed eyes. I don't know what to do. Do I pull away and thank him or just curl into his side and cuddle with him like I so desperately want to do?

In the end it's Fili that makes the decision. He pulls me over to the bed, orders me to strip and change. I do so quickly, dropping my eyes to my feet. "Into to bed, Kee." I swallow and climb under the furs, being comforted by the warmth with a lazy smile.

Fili hovers for a moment before spinning on his heel, "Wait! " I call out, grabbing his hand before he can slip away. "Can you stay with me?" I ask.

For a moment it appeared as though he was just to shrug me off, instead he kicked his boots off and crawled into the bed with me. Without needing to stop and think, I curled my body around Fili's and closed my eyes, allowing his steady heartbeat and his warmth to pull me under.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Did I mention this is AU? good, just checking.

Sorry for the wait on this and taking the story down. I actually hit a pretty dark place while in the middle of writing this and someone close to me said some pretty nasty shit to me and it made me second guess my writin ability and to be honest I just got scared. Plus my girlfriend and I split around that time and it just threw me off track. Again I'm sorry.

Special thanks sophia who messaged me about Bruder. Without you this story wouldn't be back. So thanks. This chapter is for you.

The work in which you are about to read is unbeted but you can probably tell that so whoops.

I own nothing.

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Morning comes with vengeance. Almost immediately I want to curse the sun and slip back under the furs that had once been protecting my vision, however my sleeping partern has left me, which leaves me no choice but to get up. My head spins as I sit up, clenching the blankets around my shivering body. It is in that moment that drinking has lost it's appeal and I make a silent vow I myself to never do it again.

The door opens and Fili walks in, wearing the royal blue clothing he was sporting the night before. I narrow my eyes at him, clenching the blanket tighter. I don't know what came over me last night, asking Fili to stay the night was foolish, I didn't need my brother to chase the nightmares away. "Ma will be coming in a few moment, I suspect you don't want her to discover last nights events, so I suggest you get up and get dressed. " The caring brother is gone and the prince stands in his place. I scowl at him when his back is turned and slowly make my way out of bed.

The room spins for a moment before completely coming to a rough halt. I'm pleased gravity hasn't pulled me down. I am slow to dress, my hands shake with every button and string but I do eventually get everything on, I only have to make my shirt the right way round once, which is pretty damn good in my books. "Take these. "Fili hands me a few pieces of crushed up herbs and a glass of sparkling water. "It'll help." He adds when I eye the continents.

I just happen to finishing swallowing the remaining herbs when my mother walks in. She has many braids in her hair and is wearing a light blue dress, one she hasn't worn since Uncle left with Fili. And all I can think to myself is: Have I missed something?

We usually only wear royal blue on special occasions. Could Thorin and Fili's return be what this fuss is all about?

"Why aren't you dressed yet?"Ma gasps, tugging at the loose braids surrounding my face. "Oh Kili what am I going to do with you. " She sighs, grabbing the folded articles of clothing from the chair, "Go." She tsked, shoving me behind the changing screen.

I roll my eyes as I step behind the changing screen. I don't understand why she fussing, she's never cared about these functions before. I slid the dress clothing on before the cold can reach me. When I step out, Ma takes my hair and ties it back into one loose braid on the back of my head.

"What's going on?" I ask, following my brother and mother out the door into the kitchen. Thorin is no where in sight and for that I am grateful. I don't want to see the look of disappointment and anger on his face.

Ma rushes me out of the house, leading me towards the heart of the village. Everyone has come out of a long hiding from winter and is gathering around Thorin. I don't need to see him to know that my uncle is the one everyone is surrounding. He's presences hardly goes unnoticed now a days.

I scowl and shake my head. I want nothing to do with this. Absolutely nothing. If my uncle wants to show my brother off that's on him but I will not stand here and play monkey for him. I spot Nori in the crowd and make a beeline for him. He's the youngest of the brothers and seems to understand me better than anyone else in this blasted village.

"Ori!" I smile and almost leap into his awaiting arms. My friend hugs back with a timid laugh, grinning from ear to ear. I'm surprised to see that his book isn't in his hands, he carries it everywhere with him.

"Are you excited for the coronation?" He asks, titling his head with a gleaming sparkle in his eyes.

The what? I stare at the older dwarf with confusion. "What coronation?" I ask. This couldn't be about me.. Could it?

Regret flashes across Ori's face and his eyes fill with surprise, "You didn't know? I thought someone would have told you. " he leans in to touch my shoulder but I back away from him before he can.

I shake my head, ready to bolt. I don't want any part in this. Ma knew that and she still allowed uncle to rope me into it. I was just about to turn and run in the other direction when Fili stepped in front of me. "You alright, Kee?"

No I wasn't! They had completely blindsided me. I couldn't stand in front of everyone and accept a crown I would never have. I wouldn't do it.

He must have noticed my fear because seconds before I'm about to bolt he has his arms around me and is holding me close. "Breathe Kee. " he whispers into my hair. For a moment I think of sinking into his embrace but then I remember how he use to be.

This man standing in front of me is not my brother. I have to keep reminding myself that because if I don't I will allow him back in and I won't not have my heart broken. Not again.

I press my hands against his chest and push him away, giving him the best glare I can conjure. "Stop calling me that!" I don't know why I am so angry with him, none of this is his fault but all I can do is feel anger towards him. Fili doesn't deserve it, Thorin is the one I should be striking out at.

Fili grabs my arm and pulls me to a stop as I try to a run for it, his dark blue hues staring me down. "I have been calling you Kee since they day you were born, why should I change that now? You are my brother. My blood. "

"You forgot about me!" Tears are running down my face now and I do nothing to hide them. "You have no idea what it was like without you, everyone teased and mocked me. You should have just stayed away with uncle Thorin!" Fili face's falls with every verbal strike I throw at him and for a moment I want to take back every word I've said, but the anger eats away at me, pulling me back under.

He stares at me for a moment before his lips break into a sly smirk. "Uncle choose to bring me along. " He snaps back, drawing the attention of the others around us. "He left you behind because he knew you would never stop being the scared little dwarfling you always have been!"Hurt marks his tone but the anger overpowers it. "Have you ever considered that I never wanted to come back? No, you didn't because you are selfish and everything has always been about you!"

I can't believe the words that have slipped from my brothers mouth. I'm the reason he didn't want to return? I swallow whatever comeback I had and bump my shoulder away from him, my hands clench the loose dress furs clinging to my body as I try to hold in the snide comments. I can't believe it. I had always thought my uncle was holding him hostage but that wasn't the case at all. "Fine then, just leave. "I muttered before slipping through the parting crowd back towards the house.

I know if I stay any longer our words will only get more heated and I can't stand to know what else Fili thinks of me.

I'm half way back to the house when the large shape of my uncle appears in the corner of my eye. I pause and slowly turn on my heel, staring up at Thorin with bloodshot eyes. "Stop crying boy. " he scowls with a shake of his head like I'm the biggest disappointment in the world. "A prince does not cry. "

"I am not a prince and I am not a boy!" The words slip out of my mouth before I can stop them. They twist my uncles face into fury and I'm actually terrified of him. Instead of backing up against the door like I want to, I hold my ground and stare at Thorin with whatever courage I have left.

Very slowly he response with a deep growl, "You're right you are not a boy. " he steps close to me, our faces almost touching. " You best start acting like a man. " with that he turns and walks down the roads towards the scattering group of dwarves.

I stand there completely flabbergasted and unsure of what to do. At the moment all I can think if is slipping into the house and never coming out again. Not only have I, yet again, made a fool of myself but I've disappointed my uncle. Again. I just couldn't win with him. Everything I did he found flaw.

Fili was right. I was left behind for a reason, growing up I had always known that I just didn't except that it was because I was considered weak in Thorin's eyes. It made sense really, even as kids Fili was always close to our uncle, Ma said it was because he looked like their brother. I never let it brother me, not until Fili was gone and the rumours started.

All anyone could talk about was how Thorin had taken away the one and only heir to the throne. Some said I was the bastard son of the forbidden affair Thorin and Dis had had only weeks after Frien had passed away.

I knew not to listen to what the kids said, I saw for my own eyes how much my mother had loved my father. I often found her curled up on the rug in the living room in front o the fire with dried tears on her cheeks. Ma loved Frien, she would never throw his memory away. Especially not with her own brother. It was ridiculous and yet as time went on I somehow began to think I was a cheap prize my uncle had one and no longer wanted.

Neither of them wrote and when they did come to visits, they never stayed long and always had business to take care of. We were a broken family, I knew that, I'd always known that. However there was a small part inside of me that still held onto the family I had pictured in my head. Then one day it just disappeared.

"Oh Kili.." Ma wraps me in a cacoon of love and comfort and pushes me back inside. I don't feel a thing as Ma shuts the door behind me and pushes me down into the chair in the dinner room.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I wanted to make my relationship with Fili better, stead I've only seemed to make it worse. Better yet Thorin will most likely never see me in the light he does as my older brother. My heart aches at the thought but I can't cry. I'm tired of crying like a baby.

I stare at the ground as my mother kneels down in front of me, her thin hands take mine. "Kili darling, are you alright?" She asks. She has to know that I'm far from okay. I've never completely been open with my mother but she's always known hat I've been feeling. No matter what.

I don't want to make things any worse so I nod my head and give her the a smile. We both know I'm putting on a show but she does nothing to correct me. "We shouldn't have sprung it on you. " she mumbles to herself but I barely hear her, all I want to do is escape. Run and never come back. I use to think there was a reason I still lived here, now there seems like everything I have ever loved is gone.

"It's fine. " I mumbled, ringing my fingers together so tightly the skin turns a pale white. "It's tradition. "

Something sparks in Ma I haven't seen in a long time. She takes me in her arms and holds me close, running her fingers through my hair."No matter what anyone says, I am proud of you, Kili. "

And for a short while, I believe her.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

A/N; Yay for another chapter! There are a few question a in the bottom to answer if you please :3

I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews and favourites. It means a lot. I love you all.

Yay long chapter!

I own nothing.

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-Two weeks later-

"Focus! "Dwalin swings his large arm towards me, the metal of our two swords meeting in a flash of steel and strength. "How are you going to defend anything if you can't pay attention in a simple practice?"

I know he's right but his words still make my teeth grind in frustration. My weapon has never been the sword, I have always used a bow, yes I can use one when I need to but the wooden feel of the bow had always felt better in my hands then the cold steal of a sword or axe.

"I'm trying. "I ground out, glaring up at him.

Upon discovering the fight between Fili and I, Uncle Thorin had called off the ceremony. I didn't need him to tell me he was disappointed in me, I already knew he was. I had been avoiding him since, Fili and I had barely spoken two words to one another and I liked it that way.

Dwalin shot his arm out again, hitting me across the thigh, sending a wave of pain up my leg. "Stop trying and focus. " I block the second time he aims for my lower body and my sword hits his with a loud clang.

He doesn't smile but I know he's proud of the move I have just made. I place both hands back on the sword and swing for him, it misses just by an inch and Dwalin strikes back with double the force, sending me back a few feet or so.

I pant out a deep breath and stare at my

instructor, my hands are shaking but I feel good. Getting all my anger out on Dwalin seems to be helping, not that he'd say the same thing.

Dwalin swings the sword in one hand, smirking over at me. "Good job Kili, you're getting better. " He straightens his stance and starts to walk towards me. I don't fall out of mine until I know he isn't going to strike for me again.

"I'm still better with a bow. " I mutter, handing the sword over to him. "It just feels better in my hands. "

He shakes his head, "Keep it, you've earned it. " This is a big deal, your instructor only

gives you a sword once he knows you are ready. Dwalin must really think I have improved.

I duck my head, trying to hide the blush the spreads across my cheeks. Dwalin slaps his hand on my shoulder before slipping back towards the weapons shed. I hold the sword in my hands, admiring it for a moment.

"That's dragon steel. "A voice cuts in, causing me to turn and look. Fili is standing at the entrance of the training grounds with his arms crossed over his chest. "Strongest steel that's ever been used in a blade."

Any anger I felt towards him has dissolved and all that's left is a feeling of grief and want. I turn away and sigh quietly, "You would know that. " I didn't mean for the words to come out as bitter but they did anyway.

Fili makes no response, instead he slides one of the blades of the holders and inspects it. I watch him closely as he turns the blade over in his hands, he looks like a knight; destined to hold the weapons in his hands. "It was said that out ancestors used dragon fire to make swords for the royal family. " the swirls of the swords hilt caught the sun's light, bringing up the small hints of gold.

I didn't know that, Ma never talked about our family. I think she was afraid to mention anything out of fear that I would leap at the chance for adventure.

Fili placed the sword back into it's holder and turned towards me. "When Erabor fell everything was lost, the swords included, although Thorin swore he took one with him. I didn't believe him, " A faint smile spread over his bearded face." I guess he wasn't lying. "

I didn't know what to think or what to say to

him. Apart of me is jealous of Fili simply because I didn't have that one on one time with Thorin but I also feel bad for him. Fili missed out of growing up with me and being scowled by our mother.

How good of a life had he had with our uncle? Thorin had never been known to be affectionate. Perhaps Fili behaving the way he is is a result from traveling with Thorin since he was young. He is hard by nature now, Fili is no longer the soft cub playing in the grass but the mighty Lion protecting his home.

Maybe I had missed that when I first met him again. Maybe I judged him to quickly. "Dwalin says it belonged to Thorin. "I explain as I try to sort the conflicting emotions in my head, "Said that we should keep it here in case we need it. "

"What would you need it for?" Asks Fili, his hand falling onto the hilt of his own sword.

"Wargs mostly.. "I shrug, sliding the sword into it's case around my waist.

"They come this far?" Fili seems surprised and maybe he is. Perhaps uncle shielded him better than I thought.

I shrug and make my way back towards Dwalin, "Only sometimes. We deal with them. " I throw in before he can ask. Our conversation is sure to run out soon and I cannot think of any way to saviour it.

Dwalin has seemed to left the training grounds, leaving Fili and I alone in the battle arena. For a moment I think of sparring with him but I know it's pointless, he's had years of training, where I have just begun basic sword work. "Have you fought with a sword before?" He asks, his fingers drumming along the handle of his sword.

I shake my head, unable to find my voice. How do I tell my brother that my weapon of choice is not steel but wood? I have already given him enough reason to dislike me. "I hear you are quite good with a bow and arrow. "I flinch, my hold tightening on the sword. "I would like to see. "

What are we doing? Pretending to be friends? I can hardly see that working for either of us. "I'd rather not. "I mumble, slipping out of the battle armour quickly. I know I'm being cruel to Fili but at the moment I don't care. He can't have the one thin I treasure. I wont allow him.

For a moment I think he has dropped the request but just as a flock of ravens fly over us, he speaks again. "Tell you what, you shoot one of those ravens down and I will tell you something uncle has forbid me to speak of. "This peeks my interest and for a split second I think of taking him up on his offer.

"Why would you want to tell me?"I ask, running my hand down the length of the bow, tracing the swirls and cravings along the wood with care. Each year I grew, a new craving was added to the bow. I can't quite remember how I had gotten the weapon just that it meant a great deal.

Fili answers with a smile on his tone. "You are my blood, why wouldn't I?"

I can't think of a reason. I untie the sword belt from my waist and place it into the stone table, the arrows slid onto my back like a shell, comfortable and familiar. I slid the leather drawl back onto my left hand and take the bow in my right. "You'll tell me whatever I want?" I clarify. I know that wasn't what he said early but I want to know how far I can push Fili.

"Sure. "He jerks his head in a nod and all I can see is a large lion bowing down to his subjects.

I take a deep breath and draw the arrow. This comes so naturally to me, the first time I shot I knew I could never be a real swords man. The steel was to heavy and weighed me down, a bow was light and allowed me to slip in and out wherever I was needed. I could help my people better this way.

The feathers on the end of the arrow brush along my cheek and I release. It flies through the sky towards the flock of birds, a smile spreads across my lips as I think I've nicked one of the birds. As quickly as my smile appears on my face it is gone, instead of landing a bird, it misses and lodges itself into a large oak. I think about cursing but reframe from doing so.

Fili watched the entire time, his face unreadable. I sob chokes me and I have to put the bow down before I snap it in half. "That was fantastic, Kili! "He turns to me, frowning as he notices my trembling hands. "Why are you upset? That was wonderful!"

I stare at my brother like he's grown a second head. "I missed. "I state rather miserably. I have never missed my mark, not since I was a young lad just learning to shoot."How was the wonderful?" I ask, dumbfounded.

Rolling his eyes, Fili clasped my on my back and grins. "The challenge is not always about getting the prize brother." I have no idea what the hell he is talking about so I say nothing. "Besides I have never seen anyone shoot that well. You hit the tallest tree here and managed to nick it right in the middle, pretty damn impressive if you ask me. I doubt even uncle could have done that. " there is pride in his voice and for once I allow myself to sink into it. "Well done Kili."

"Thank you. "

Fili crosses his arms over his chest and looks at me. "So, what do you want to know?"he asks. I notice his hair is a mess, the braids are starting to come out, and without thinking I step in behind him and undo them with care.

"Why was uncle holding the ceremony?" I ask as I carefully unbraid his hair. Fili is quiet but I can hear his heart starting to pump faster. Am I making him nervous? The thought brings a grin to my face. While he thinks, I start redoing the first braid.

"It's.. complicated. "He sighs and leans into my touch as my hands work on his hair. "Uncle has always wanted both of us at his side. We are the heirs of Erebor, he told me a few weeks after we left that he wanted to take you along but you were to sick. "I remember that all to well, I would lay awake at night unable to sleep because of the cough that plaged my lungs. "He thought bringing you along would put your life in danger and he couldn't risk loosing you. "

I pause and look down at my hands. So uncle had wanted to take me along. It was my poor health that prevented him from doing so. I'm an idiot, I know I am but it doesn't make my mood any brighter. I sit down on the log behind us and ask. "Why didn't he just tell me that?"

Fili shrugs, "You know how uncle is. He's as affectionate as a grizzle bear. Anyway, he had planned to train the both us himself so when it was time we'd both be ready but because you couldn't make the trip Thorin had it arranged for Dwalin to train you when you were fit enough. "I slid the beads at the end of the braid and start on the other. "He thought by the time we returned you would be ready and willing to take up your rightful place beside him. "

He must have been surprised to discover that I wasn't what he was expecting. Although. I couldn't be sure, I've barely spoken two actually words to uncle that weren't judgement or cruel. I finish the other braid drop my hands into my lap, going over the information in my head.

"Why did he want us trained?" I ask. "What does he have planned?" Fili turns around and drops down into his knees so I can fix the braids on his mustache. This is strange, I have never braided Fili hair and yet here we are doing it like we've been doing it for years.

Once I finish, Fili runs his fingers along the finished product, a smile on his face. I have yet to see my brother this happy and for some unknown reason it makes me giddy. "Much thanks, Uncle is terrible at braids, his always fall out. " he laughed lowly.

"Uncle did those?" I ask mordified. How could the king not know how to put together a proper braid?

Fili outright laughs at my expression, "He did. Not to worry though, he's not always this bad. I think he was just nervous. It's hard to braid when your hands are shaking. " He sits down beside me, our shoulders and knees touching.

I smile and lean into him, "I wouldn't worry to much about it, braids never stay in my hair anyhow. "I explain, it had always been like that. Ma ha been trying to get my hair to stay since I was a boy but it was to fine that whenever she managed to get a decent braid it always came undone.

A short time passes between us and we sit in a comfortable silence. Neither of us have apologized for what was said but I doubt Fili even took it to heart. I hope he knows I don't mean what I said to him. Finally just as the sun ducks behind the trees he speaks again, "How much do you know about Erebor?" He asks while drawing the lonley mountain in the snow.

I don't know more than the regular dwarf, Ma never wanted to talk about her home, it brought her to much pain so we hardly talked about it. "Not much, "I knew how our kingdom fell and how Smaug that destroyed everything.

Fili frowns a little, sketching a dragon beside the mountain. "Thorin wants to take back the mountain. "He sighed quietly, "But he needs a good company first, dwarfs that risk their lives for him without a second thought. " Uncle wouldn't have a difficult time finding someone like that here, everyone loved him. That still didn't explain why he wanted us trained.

I stare up at my elder brother as it dawns on me. Thorin wants us in his company, he wants us to take back Erebor with him.

* * *

Question 1; I am thinking of doing a one-shot for Kili, Fili, and Thorin but I'm having trouble coming up with something. Should there be a missing scene for Bruder or something from the book/movie?

Question 2; I have a vag idea about how long this story is goin to be and I am wondering if I should bring the journey into it or make that a sequel. Thoughts?


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